The Children - 1980
Okay, so we have this movie about children who travel thru a radioactive cloud (which I think happens in about 1/3 of all Troma movies). They then turn into monsters that cook their parents by hugging them. That's the short summary. Now for the impressions.
The very first thing that hit me about this flick, as the opening credits roll is, "God, this soundtrack sounds like an 80's Made for TV movie. Is it?" While I'm still looking in IMDB, all of a sudden the soundtrack changes, now it sounds like it was ripped out of Friday the 13th. Hmmm, the composer is the same. IMDB says that he did Friday the 13th first, then this one. Boy, is he recycling.
I keep watching, and the next thing that hits me is, "Man, everyone in this town of Ravenback is an asshole, except the Sherrif!" Some are really ballsy in their assholiness. The rich bitch doesn't bother to put a top on, and smokes a joint in front of him. Nice little titties there, lady. Enjoy 'em folks, its all your gonna get in this flick.
As you’ve heard me say before, I’m really rooting that all these assholes die. Hey, good news! My wish was their command. And you know why they die. Because they NEVER TELL EACH OTHER WHAT IS GOING ON! The Sherrif and the Dad run into the house, shooting children, and the Mom freaks out. Well, what a shock. Most moms will freak out when they see people shooting at her kids. Maybe you ought to clue her in to current events.
And finally, the ending. It lasts forever, dragging its sorry butt to the inevitable end. I mean seriously, who doesn’t see this coming? What, is this your first horror movie? Sheesh!
Okay, the good news first. There are 4 nice featurettes on the disc, with interviews by cast and crew. Lots of good info here, including the fact that the entire crew went immediately to shoot Friday the 13th with Sean Cunningham. Three Mile Island (bet ¾’s of you are too young to remember that) was contemporary, which explains why a paranoid “nuclear accident” movie could make $8M at drive in’s.
The Commentary is another of those where a 2nd person is needed to keep things moving. And interestingly, this commentary is not by the Director, it’s the Producer/Writer, Carlton J. Albright. Apparently, Mr. Albright had some director problems. He also has problems finding things to talk about in the commentary, stopping and being silent for big chunks of the time.
Finally, Mr. Albright claims that the movie was shot on 35mm film. You could have fooled me. The sound and the picture are like it was shot on 16mm, and the film was stored in somebody’s garage. Seriously, did they remaster this DVD from a VHS copy? Yuck!
Soooo, did I enjoy the movie. Well, I didn’t go asleep. But don’t spend a lot of money on this one.
Two beers out of five.
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