Week Beginning June 11, 2006

Well, I’m way behind, and I don’t feel like writing. I’m in a slump. But, in case anyone is reading, here’s at least the catch-up list, along with a few simple comments. The rating scale is gone. Even I don’t think it’s funny anymore.

Sunday, June 11
Mr. Vampire – 1985, Mr. Vampire II – 1986, and Mr. Vampire III – 1987
     The first and third are GREAT! Funny, action packed, ridiculous, everything you love about Chinese horror movies. And hopping vampires. How can you go wrong? No kidding, I thought 3 was almost as good as Inframan.

Monday, June 12
Parts of the Family – 2003
     Two versions, the original and Tromatic!  Guess which one is funny? Tit in the first reel! More Belgium “horror” from the country that gave us Rabid Grannies and the director who gave us Maniac Nurses Find Ecstasy. Bloody, gory, and the Tromatic version has a funny soundtrack, like in What’s New, Tiger Lily?

Tuesday, June 13
Something Weird Video’s SexEd Double Feature
The Wrong Rut – 1949/1962
     I don’t want to say that this thing is dark and unfollowable, but when she turned up pregnant, I thought “When did they have sex?” And that’s so long after the fact, you’ve forgotten that this is a “Premarital sex is bad” movie, and just think it’s the trials of a run away, and the slow spiral to madness. I’m fairly sure that Planned Parenthood doesn’t want the message out that if you give up your baby for adoption, you will go insane.
Birthright – 1951
     Chicken farming in rural America in 1950. There’s a thrilling subject. Oh no, our hero has slipped up and slept with a whore. Oh no, she has the clap. Oh no, his wife is pregnant. Will their child be born a mutant? Will the chicken farm succeed? Will the girl’s dad PLEASE SHUT UP!

Wednesday, June 14
The Surgeon – 1995 aka Exquisite Tenderness
     Another Silent Rage, or at least that’s the movie I most equate with this concept. Bad guy made indestructible by science (as opposed to inherently indestructible, like Jason). This movie has a scene featuring the stupidest doctors on the planet. A guy is shot over a hundred times (their count, not mine), and they still try to revive him. Give me a break. The guy’s guts are soup, for god’s sake.

The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made – 2005
     Not even close. The dumbest horror movie ever made? Maybe. The horror movie with the highest monster per dollar spent ratio ever made? Absolutely. There are like 30 plots/monsters/complications in this movie. Considering it cost $2K, took eight weeks to write, shoot, & edit, it’s a miracle it’s even coherent. And it does have some VERY sick and funny moments. Anything involving the shit monster (yeah, you read that right) and its aftermath is funny. The outtakes and bloopers are even funnier.

Thursday, June 15
Robot Jox – 1990
     Stuart Gordon goodness, with a tiny early role for my hero Jeffery Combs. And famous SF author Joe Halderman did the screenplay. The gal who plays the female lead Athena was in an episode of Babylon 5.

Inside Deep Throat – 2005
     I can’t believe that Netflix rents this documentary, considering it has a scene showing the subject. However, if you ignore that (or, like me, play it over and over and over and over…) the documentary itself about the history of adult cinema, and how Deep Throat changed it, is really interesting. It explains a lot that we always suspected, about the relationship between sexploitation, and advent of hardcore, and political upheaval and the court battles that it spawned. Good stuff.

Friday, June 16
Something Weird Video Joel (Bloodsucking Freaks) Reed Double Feature
Career Bed – 1972
     A mother pushes her daughter into show business, and everyone’s bed. And she’s not afraid to commit herself and her body as well. It’s The Graduate, but with a much uglier Mrs. Robinson. And we have original porn star Georgina Spelvin. And Jennifer Wells as well.

The Filth Shop – (I couldn’t find a date)
     Here we see several people drug down to depravity by “demons”, or at least that’s what the narrator said. All I wanted to do was tell the narrator, Lola Lust, to SHUT THE F* UP! And later, she’s joined by Satan for the big party scene. This is a part of another, longer movie. I know I’ve heard this narration pair of Lola and Satan before. Just can’t remember where. I guess I ought to ask on the SWV forum on Yahoo.

Sex by Advertisement – 1962
     Once again, we have Georgina Spelvin, this time as a shrink, telling us about the horrors of sexual depravity. Oh, and there’s Jennifer Wells too. Guess they must have loved working for ole Joel. This has to rate as the very first too long sexploitation movie ever.

Saturday, June 17
Fright Club – 2006
     3 lame ass stories, that are just “urban” versions of the wolfman, vampires, and Frankenstein. I mean, if you think “Little Red Riding in the Hood” is funny, then maybe you’ll get more joy out of this flick than I did. The $25K budget appears to have been spent of blow for the wrap party, ‘cause there sure ain’t nothing here.

Lost Highway – 1997
     More David Lynch WTF action. I mean, you know you’re in weirdo country when the guy just changes while in solitary confinement in prison. The guards and warden look just like you feel. WTF????? You either love Lynch or hate him. I find them fun as a change of pace, and a challenge. I’ve seen enough of them now, however, that I’m beginning to think they really DON’T have a solution, they’re just meant to make you think about what COULD be the solution.