Thursday, May 11, 2006

Gamera – Return of the Giant Monsters – 1967

When the movie on the DVD starts out with an apology, you know you are in for trouble. Add to that American International Television (so they’re saying that this wasn’t good enough for theaters, but it’s GREAT for TV).

The dubbing voices are extremely odious. I mean, if I didn’t know better, I’d say they purposely made them sound goofy in an attempt to be racist. I mean, all these Japanese reporters can be THAT effeminate.

This version is SOOOO bad, the “Kenny” (who isn’t named Kenny, but ought to be. He fulfills all the other requirements, including the yellow hat) mispronounces Gamera’s name. He puts the accent on the second syllable instead of the first. I mean, everyone knows he’s GAMera, not GamERa. Sheeesh!

Hey, the bad guy, Gaos, uses the Rodan and Mothra trick of creating a super-wind by flapping his wings. And after 15 minutes, I figured out that since he’s a Bat, that’s why his ray is hypersonic. I guess I’m slow.

This disc from Retromedia. They are not known for extras in the first place. These “foreign releases” that they got are worse than usual. The print (apologized for in the opening) was faded and washed out. The audio was unstable, but clear. There was only an English soundtrack, and no subtitles. There were no other extras worth mentioning.

Two beers out of five.

The Magic Serpent – 1966

Wow, bet you didn’t know that Feudal Japan had a monster problem even back then! Here we go with another Japanese hurter from AIT. And you know you’re in for fun when there are Ninja in the first 30 seconds.

But yeah, there’s giant monsters here too. The Magic Serpent of the title is actually a Chinese Dragon, but his roar sounds exactly like Godzilla’s. I think they must be related.

And then, there’s a whole bunch of fighting madness that was okay, but not really as over the top as I like (as in the Chinese movies). Finally, the big battle at the end, the Dragon comes back, as does a Giant Toad. A fire breathing Giant Toad! And a Giant Spider. Lots of monsters here for a Samurai tale.

Two beers out of five.

Doomsday Machine – 1972

And finally, an American effort that is FAR worse than either of the two movies above. I know I’m in trouble when within the first 15 seconds they play the sound effects from the movie Forbidden Planet.

According to IMDB:
“Most of the movie was filmed in 1967 but due to a lack of financing it wasn't completed until 1972 when the producers had acquired enough money to complete the film, but without any of the original cast members.”

The microbudget is evident everywhere, but the one thing they should not have scrimped on, but obviously did, was a Continuity Person. There are so many continuity errors here, that if you did a shot of beer whenever you see one, you’d die of alcohol poisoning before the ending credits.

The only fun in this entire movie is the Ed Woodian dialogue. The disembodied voice at the end is especially Edlike. I’d swear that Ed Wood wrote most of this dialogue. Stuart J. Byrne only wrote two movies. I think we can be thankful of that.

As an example, there are three different rockets used for the external scenes of the spacecraft. And that doesn’t count the stock footage of the Saturn V lifting body for the takeoff. There’s a space station looking wheel ship, there’s a sleek, needle nosed with fins ship like from 50’s SF, and a more modern ship that they obviously bought from someone like Roger Corman or Fred Olen Ray.

The additional scenes shot in 1972 are really obvious, as we can’t see the actor’s faces, the voices don’t match, and they just sit there for minutes on end, doing nothing, padding the length. Awful, truly truly awful.

One (skunk) beer out of five