Sunday, March 05, 2006

Death Tunnel – 2005

     This film is about a haunted sanitarium outside Louisville, Kentucky. First off, it should be noted that this place actually exists. It was built just after the turn of the previous century for the treatment of people with TB. Evidently, Kentucky had a larger than average rate of TB. Didn’t know that. Anywho, I’ve got to say that it’s pretty easy to make an atmospheric movie when you have a pre-made set that is filthy, dark, and creepy. So the folks who made this movie had a lot going for them right off the bat. And the story hasn’t been done to death (although it’s hardly unique), and merged well with the whole “college initiation” thing. Always a great way to get a bunch of pretty girls in the cast.

Unfortunately, they ruin it pretty quickly by filling this thing up with a million quick jump-cuts. Yeah, I guess the MTV crowd loves it, but it just makes me irate. It doesn’t add to the suspense or atmosphere, it just gives me a bad attitude (yeah, worse than usual). Simply put, I HATE JUMPCUTS!

Okay, now that THAT rant is out of the way, I have just one further impression from this movie.  “Huh?  What?” Yeah, something happens at the end, but I have no idea what. Whether it was that I had too many beers to try and get past the jumpcuts, or it just didn’t make any sense, I can’t say. I do think that the director/writer was trying too hard to create an eerie ending. I, for one, didn’t get it. But then, I’m dim. OH, but there was a VERY nice shower scene, with a woman who had some sterling assets. That helped this movie escape a two.

No subs, no commentary. There’s a short behind the scenes, and an interview with the crew and cast about the location. Pretty thin fare, actually. Certainly not enough to make this a great disc. But the authentic atmosphere, and nice breast, saves it from being an utter waste of time.

Three beers out of five.

Crazed – 1978

     This movie was actually advertised to me by DeepDiscountDVD as containing the only nude scene ever done by Catherine Bach (Daisy Duke from the original TV series Dukes of Hazard). It’s another Troma release, and the cover screams that this is approved by Mr. Skin. For those of you who DON’T surf for p0rn (and we have to wonder why. What, you like spending money for something you can get for free?), Mr. Skin holds the record for documenting the most celebrity nudity on the entire internet. So his hyping it was more than enough to get me to buy this flick.

Unfortunately, this disc appears to have been remastered from a VHS master. It’s grainy throughout, and the audio is TERRIBLE. There are a ton of times when I just have NO IDEA what the characters just said. You can tell the original was at a lower resolution. The text in the credits is all blurry and “stair-steppy”.
The choir music is kinda disconcerting. And boy, does the heroine have gear! But 54 minutes in and still nothing has happened. She doesn’t seem very crazy to me. I’m almost asleep. God, could this get any duller?

Ahh, 75 minutes in, and this is the big payoff? One little almost lesbian shot? Hell, the scene was framed in such a way that there’s no telling that either of the principles were actually in the shot. It could have been a pair of body doubles. And it’s what, all of 30 seconds long?

And then, what the…? I have no idea what’s going on, and the dialogue is completely unintelligible. What is she mumbling about? I have no idea. And that’s it? It ends like that? So she’s crazy because she mumbles to herself, and has hires a murderer who kills people he thinks she wants gone? Man, no very crazy in my book.

Finally, an interesting note. The final credits list this movie as Nicole. And IMDB calls it The Widow’s Revenge. No mention of Crazed in either place. And IMDB doesn’t list either Nicole or Crazed as akas. That’s odd. It’s usually more complete than that.

The disc is then filled with the usual Troma stuff, nothing related to the movie, except a short interview with Mr. Skin documenting where in the movie all the nudity is. Yeah, I saw it all the first time. I didn’t quite go asleep.

Two beers out of five, and one is strictly for the nudity.