Saturday, January 14, 2006

Vampire Strippers Double Feature

Witch’s Sabbath (2005)

     The director of this cheesefest has been a cinematographer on a lot of crappy B movies (take a look at Jeff Leroy on IMDB), including the second feature of this double feature (and I didn’t know that when I put this double feature together for myself). You know how I complain in entries about how there are aren’t enough bare breasts in a flick? Well, this movie doesn’t suffer from that particular shortcoming. There are plenty of titties to be seen here. Unfortunately, some of them are not so nice. Some of them are fine, but Syn Devil really should get a refund from the plastic surgeon that did her augmentation.

And acting? Ha! If you took all the money that everyone involved in this flick spent on acting lessons, you MIGHT be able to get a single sandwich from Wendy’s dollar menu. Of course, it’s not all the actor’s fault, as there is absolutely no life in this script at all. I’d say that it was written by a third grade class, except that I don’t want to insult elementary teachers.

Three out of five beers (but it slips to a two if I have to see Syn Devil’s $5000 waste of money again)

Bloody Tease (2004)

     This movie obviously traded bare breasts for big, honking teeth. Unlike normal vampire movies where just the incisors are enlongated, this flick fills the women’s mouths up with teeth like a demon. Interesting, but not THAT interesting.

But the single saddiest part is how the guys keep talking about how “hot” the women are. First off, their delivery is so poor, you don’t believe it, and then you see them and you realize that they just flat out aren’t. I mean, I’m sorry, but really. Maybe I’m just jaded, ‘cause I’ve been to plenty of strip clubs, but the women in this flick couldn’t get a job in the only topless place in Potawhatme, Kansas. Plus, they don’t get naked, which kinda blows the whole illusion that they’re strippers. Sad, sad, sad.

And once again, the script is horrible. I mean, I know that I’m not the best writer on the planet, and I really envy people like Joss Whedon and Stephen King their ability to write dialog that sounds like the way that people talk. But I could write this junk in my sleep after a twelvepack. I’ve never known anyone who talks like this, and I’ve met a lot of different people in my 48 years of travels on this earth. Sailors, students, strippers and saints.

The sex scene at minute 45 is a perfect example. This was done a lot better in the sixty’s. Take a look at any of Joe Sarno’s sexploitation flicks from the sixties, and the sex scenes are both more believable and the stars are better looking than this junk. I hope that no one fronted them more than about $25 bucks for this junk.

Two out of five beers.  (Could have been a three if they’d gotten some real strippers instead of these posers)