Week of Saturday June 23 through Friday June 29, 2007

Saturday, June 23, 2007
Ghost Rider - 2007


Okay, lets get the painfully obvious out of the way right off. Nicolas Cage cannot act. This is EXACTLY the same character as in The Wicker Man. They might was well take a picture of him, blow it up to life size, paste it on a cardboard cut out, and move it around the screen. Same emotion, same range. Talk about a one trick pony.


That said, Peter Fonda as the devil is pretty good, and Sam Elliott is great. And they're the best acting in this thing. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if special effects are the highpoint of a movie, you have failed as a filmmaker. Effects are fine, but if you expect them to carry your movie, you maybe ought to get into amusement park ride design instead of movie making. And this is a perfect example. The effects are cool, the movie is dumb. And you don't care about the hero, because he CAN'T F'IN ACT!


Commentary #1 (of 2) has writer/director Mark Steven Johnson and Visual FX Sup Kevin Scott Mack. This commentary was duller than dirt. I mean, you might as well watch grass grow. And just when you think it might be interesting, because they start to rant, they beep it. Yes, the commentary is censored. I gave up. Sorry. And sorry to whoever is in the second commentary. I just couldn't bring myself to stay up to sit thru this stupid movie a third time.


Sunday, June 24, 2007
Primeval - 2007


Hey, it's Dominic Purcell(John Doe in TV Show of same name, and Drake in Blade III). I really like him. And the movie isn't as bad as you might expect. But I didn't care about most of the characters. The black cameraman, played by comedian Orlando Jones, is the best character, and the only one I hoped wouldn't die.


The commentary is subtitled too (as is the movie, thank you very much!), which was novel. It featured the director Michael Katleman and Visual FX Sup Paul Linden. What's with having these FX Supervisors in commentaries? Anyone that far down the credits should be replaced by someone a little more engaged in the total process, so they can comment on EVERYTHING, not just a few aspects. And once again, this commentary is a great cure for insomnia.


And where did they folks get this kind of money ($6.79M) to actually shoot this in Africa? While I'm glad to see SOMETHING not shot in Canada, still....Africa? Wouldn't places in the US have been just as good, and MUCH cheaper?

Other extras include deleted scenes (with commentary). Good plan all around. None will be missed. Then there was a "Crocumentary" Bringing Gustave to life". FAR more interesting than the movie.

Monday, June 25, 2007
SWV Kinky Couples Double Feature
Unholy Matrimony - 1966

Sexploitation about exposing the "racket" of swinging. (Yeah, okay, whatever). This movie has everything, including a musical number by The Warmest Spring (never heard of them, and after hearing this song, it's no wonder). There's also a swimming pool party, except that every one's wearing boxers or granny panties. What's up with that?

This is a perfect example of the genre of sexploitation, and has LOTS of nice natural boobage for your viewing pleasure. Gotta like that!

My Third Wife George - 1968

Ladies and gentleman, the Herschell Gordon Lewis favorite, William Kerwin! (He's in the SWV intro saying "Looks like it's gonna be a long hard one" from Blood Feast). Comedy, IMDB sez. Yeah, well, it's funny alright. Just not the way the director (Harry Kerwin, Bill's brother). Bill's sister is in it as well, and there's Connie Mason. It's amazing that HGL WASN'T involved in this.

"From the makers of Strange Rampage". Too bad that's lost. It's a comedy in that 60's style. Leisurely paced, but plenty of nice, natural boobage too. And the ending will surprise you. I sure wasn't expecting that!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Funny Man - 1994

This UK flick warns you that we're in for hurt by the cheesy menus on the DVD. By the time you watch the movie, and look at the extras, you are ready to award this disc The Most Annoying Menus award for Cheesy CG that take WAY TOO LONG to play.

I was shocked, shocked I tell you, to see Christopher Lee slumming in this movie. I can't believe he needs money at this point, so why would he dirty himself by being in this hurter. And a hurter it is. It says it's a comedy, and maybe it's funny if you're British, but over all, I thought it was stupid as hell. And the clown guy, who's supposed to be snarky, was just lame. There are a couple of decent gore scenes to help you make it through.

Commentary with directory Simon Sprackling and actor Tim James , who plays the Funny Man. Here it is revealed, to no one's surprise, that it's half ad-libbed. And they talk, for the entire 90 minutes, about everything EXCEPT the movie.

The only other extra is a Behind the Scenes featurette. Doesn't save it.

Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Roost - 2005

There's an intro that makes it look like an old Horror Host show (I love it! Sammy Terry for President!). Soundtrack is VERY 80's. Nice! Dialogue is, alas, WAY too soft. Sure wish there were subs here, so I could tell what the heck people are saying.

Once again, I hate every one of the characters. They can't die soon enough. 45 minutes in, and FINALLY a decent makeup effect. God! Could this be duller. And what were the creators thinking? Does the world need another bad bat movie? Didn't Bats satisfy that need forever? I mean, it's a zombie flick, and I didn't like it. What does that tell you? The only way they could have made this duller was to turn off the ONE STINKING LIGHT that was used to light this mess, so it was completely dark.

Other extras include a making of, which was more like a behind the scenes, as there's no narration or explanation of what you're seeing. All it did was prove my hypothesis that there was only one lighting fixture.

Truly dreadful.

Thursday, June 28, 2007
Invasion of the Astro-Monster - 1965

These new releases of the early Godzilla movies are awesome! It features both the original Japanese language track with subtitles and the English version, which is always fun to compare (basically no difference in this one, which is unusual in and of itself). The movie calls itself Monster Zero, and that's probably the title you remember seeing on VHF back in the day. Monster Zero is, of course, King Ghidrah (Flying three headed, lightning bolt blasting dragon-like thing for those of you not up on your Godzilla lore). Too little Godzilla time, and WAY too much Nick Adams . But it does feature the infamous "jig" victory dance by Godzilla, so you gotta see it just for that!

Commentary by Stuart Galbraith IV (whoever the hell he is) with LOTS of historical info, lots of behind the scenes facts, and lots of actor details. Very informative and enjoyable.

Friday, June 29, 2007
Calvaire - 2004 aka The Ordeal

Subtitled, which is good since there's only a French soundtrack. It is, however, Belgium made. This is never a good sigh (see Mémés cannibales, Les i.e. Rabid Grannies). Holy crap is this thing slow. Forty minutes in, and the only thing that's happened is an implied bestiality scene (bad enough, but still....).

And then, it just flops over into WTF land. This basically becomes Deliverance in Belgium, in all the bad ways. It sucks, and it's sick, twisted characters do not alleviate the dullness. I mean, it's hard to imagine that you can ruin a foreign Hillbillies/Incest/Perversion movie, but Fabrice Du Welz (director) somehow manages it.

Other extras include a Making Of. Which I guess you gotta be Belgian to get, as they are referencing directors and movies I've never heard of. Given my breadth of experience with foreign films, this is pretty surprising. What's not surprising is that this extra is no more interesting than the movie.