Saturday, May 6, 2006

Scarlet Moon – 2002

     Another Troma release, and more scary still, another movie by the man (Warren F. Disbrow) who “gave” us (if he gave it to me, I’d make him take it back) Invasion for Flesh and Blood. For fans of bad movies such as myself, this man is a genius. Most everyone else will call him a talent less hack with delusions of Ed Woodism.

For me, this guy always delivers the goods. For instance, there’s tit in the first 60 seconds. You know right away you’re in for a good time when there is boobage that early. And the guy playing Andreous is just plain TERRIBLE. He couldn’t deliver a line if it was in an envelop and had proper postage. Its hysterical.

There are, of course, no subtitles, because that would probably cost more than he spent on the entire movie. You gotta love the fact that you have amateur actors trying to deliver ham-fisted dialogue. Great actors couldn’t make these lines believable. If there was ever a time when the expression “You can’t polish a turd” is true, it’s the dialogue in this movie. You will laugh until you ache. With such classic lines as “The beautiful beaches of Jersey”, you know you’re in trouble!  Beautiful beaches of Jersey? Boy, I’m surprised they could find ANYONE who could deliver that line with a straight face. Jersey beaches would be beautiful only if they were no other beaches on Earth to compare them to. If you use the adjective beautiful for the beaches of New Jersey, how the hell are you going to describe the beaches of, say, Hawaii, or New Zealand?

More signs of a good time. A guest appearance by the ever-popular Forest J Ackerman! You gotta love that. And the worst RatMan costume since Dennis Ray Stickler. There are interesting ideas here. Too bad their buried under 15 pounds of crap-laced concrete.

The commentary would have been great, if someone had gone and shot that dog. That’s right, there’s a dog barking throughout the entire thing. I’d have shot it within the first 10 minutes.

And finally, there’s a 103 minute long making of. Yes, over an hour and a half for a less than two hour movie. There are crappy interviews with absolutely every single sole that was involved in the movie. I gave up after 45 minutes. If you have the tolerance to make it all the way, write and let me know how it turns out.  But it is revealed in these interviews (and the commentary several times) why they know there is a sequel to this flick.You see, the original cut of this movie was 3.5 hours long. So when the director/writer/editor sobered up, he cut it into two movies. Only the first one (which is the second half, naturally) has been released. And unless there are a lot more insane people like me, that’s all that will ever get released. I don’t see even Troma stooping to release Scarlet Moon II: Dark Beginnings anytime soon.

Four beers out of five, but you better have drunk them before you start. It’ll help, trust me.