Friday, March 24, 2006

Microwave Massacre – 1983

     Now this is what I’m talking about. Any movie that bravely labels itself “The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made” you know I’m gonna enjoy. So the first question we need to answer is, “Is it the worst Horror Movie Ever Made?” Oh, hell no. Not even close. Obviously, the makers of this film were embarrassed by its low budget and lack of acting. But why Troma didn’t pick this up, I’ll never know. This is certainly no worse than MonsTurd. And it really isn’t as incompetent as some director’s work, like Ray Dennis Steckler. You wanna see bad, watch the Chopper.

See, this is actually a Horror Comedy. I only rarely do horror comedy, because I find that they are usually neither. But with the success of Dead and Breakfast, I’m giving the genre another chance. And I’m glad I did for this one too, because it’s pretty funny.

Our hero is a sort of everyman-type of guy, a construction worker, whose wife, besides being obnoxious and loathsome, can only cook fancy-smacy shit that makes our hero look enviously at the dog’s bowl. Finally, he can stand it no more, and kills her. He then cuts her up, and stuffs her in a frig in the basement. Later, when hungry, he accidentally starts gnawing on her arm. Discovering that she may not have had good taste, but that she tastes good, the cannibal hilarity is one. Also, we have the subplot that since he never got any action off his wife (not that any sane man would want any), he’s kinda forgotten how. And now, while trying to get his groove back on, he discovers that he can only get exciting thinking about eating the girl. At one point, while scoping out his next victim, he says

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a whore”

Well, it was funny to me.

Four beers out of five. (Some nice boob shots and a couple of the gore scenes were not too bad)

Cut and Run – 1985

     Yep, this movie is by Ruggero Deodato, the man who gave us the immortal Cannibal Holocaust (you have bought the new 2 disc special edition, right? Right? Failure to do so may mean I will have to hunt you down and eat you!) This movie has been around for awhile in a cut down version. The new Anchor Bay release is uncut and uncensored (they make a big deal out of it, but knowing Ruggero movies, I’d say that it getting cut up is almost a certainty). This is supposed to be sort of a sequel to Cannibal Holocaust. It has the following same elements: TV Crew, natives who are cannibals, the Amazon. The end. Not much of a sequel, but Ruggero says in an interview that he really didn’t want to do a sequel anyway, so this was their compromise.

Great cast here. It’s got Richard Lynch, who I have loved since seeing him in The Sword and the Sorcerer at a theater when I was a young man. (A great flick, BTW. Gotta love a hero beating up a bad guy with a mutton leg!). He plays the best bad guys. And the every popular Michael Berryman, everybody’s favorite Pluto in The Hills Have Eyes. Plus a couple of B-movie regulars, including Karen Black and John Steiner.

There’s gore, a great 80’s soundtrack written by one of the guys from Goblin (Dario Argenteno and Fulchi’s band of choice for their classic horror movies), and of course, some nice boobage.

The disc doesn’t have much extras, except an interview with Ruggero and Lynch (but not Berryman, BOOO!), but the image and sound are outstanding.

Four beers out of five.