Saturday, February 11, 2006

Live Freaky, Die Freaky – 2003

Well, this is something you don’t see everyday. How about a clayamation re-enactment of the Manson Family Murders? And if that isn’t odd enough, how about it being a musical? And the topper? Hardcore puppet action! Yeah, baby. That, in a nutshell, is Live Freaky, Die Freaky. The songs, I am lead to believe by the commentary, are sung by punk rock legends. Or something like that. I don’t know. I’ve never listened to any punk rock, and to be honest, none of the name in the credits mean anything to me. Maybe you know who any of these people are, but I’ve never heard of them. But to be fair, if you enjoy any of the following people: Nick 13, Billie Joe Armstrong, Tim Armstrong, Rob Aston, Travis Barker, Tre Cool, Warren Fitzgerald, Matt Freeman, Davey Havok, Theo Kogan, Benji Madden, Jason Schmidt, Janis Tanaka, Jane Wiedlin, Sean Yseult then this is probably a movie you will watch over and over again.

For the rest of us, it’s an interesting little diversion, but nothing to write home about.

Oh, and if anyone can tell me what the hell that crap at the beginning about it being 3069 and a guy finds a PAPERBACK copy of Helter Skelter that somehow

Three beers out of five. (Hey, hardcore puppet action is always good for a point or two)

Slaughter Party – 2005

I love bad movies. For those of you joining us late, let’s make sure that this is clear right from the get go. I especially like 70’s and 80’s bad movies. If its full of gore and naked women, then I’m a happy camper.

I said all that so you could get the full impact when I say that Slaughter Party is one of the crappiest movies I have seen in years. Just to give you a flavor of how much I disliked this movie, let me quote verbatim from my notes I took as I watched it.

STUPID!
INCOHERENT
Retarded
STUPID
TERRIBLEINSULTING

We have such delights as a mad dwarf chasing a woman around, getting beat up by the women, and then when he wakes up, he suddenly pulls a HUGE knife out from behind his back. Never mind that he is an idiot for not using it earlier when he was having his ass handed to him by a woman, but if the sheath clipped onto his belt, this thing would have been 6 inches up his ass.

Oh, and here’s another great trick. The mad doctor in one scene starts to hack off a girl’s leg. All well and good. Except that less than 2 minutes latter he and she are walking into a cave to look at his “creation”. Which was a crewmember, with NO MAKEUP whatsoever. Oh, and the leg? Didn’t even bleed.

Its not that its shot on video, its not that its drowning in insipid dialogue , its not that everything here has been done a dozen times before, its that the creators knew its shortcomings and didn’t give a ratf*ck. And speaking of profanity, this movie does win an award: Most Vulgar Commentary EVER! Rather than have a director’s commentary, there’s an in-character commentary by the bad guy. And all he says it how he had anal sex with the cast members. Over and over. For an hour and a half. I kid you not. It was funny the first five minutes, but it just got tedious after 15. By a half hour, I wanted the Martian War Machines to stomp on everyone involved in this flick too (see War of the Worlds above).


It has one, and only one thing going for it. There is one, and only one scene with Brinke Stevens in it. Just her presence saves this movie from my first zero.

One beer out of five. Only for the most seriously desperate. Watch a TV rerun instead.